Filed under: Bio, Institutional Church | Tags: Dysfunctional Church, God, Institutional Church, Jesus, Life After Church, Vision
Over that next month I met with three of the six elders. I expressed my concerns, the lack of mission and direction, and some of my dreams. To my surprise they all agreed. Each of them suggested that they were feeling the same way, and that they were working toward change. I actually found myself optimistic again when talking to them, but back in the day to day grind of “church work” felt the same intense pressure to run and hide. Depending on the day, I was cautiously optimistic or utterly depressed. I kept asking God for direction, for Him to show me what I was supposed to do, and for Him to do it so I would know it was Him working and not my own arrogance or pride.
The day after a very positive meeting with an elder the senior pastor began our staff meeting by saying “We need to talk about direction and what we as a church want to focus on.”
Are you kidding me! I almost jumped out of my chair I was so excited! We proceeded to listen to him lay out what he thought the vision of the church should be, and while I didn’t agree 100% with it, I was so excited to be talking about practical issues of change and movement that I didn’t really care. I remember going down to get soda for lunch and telling the person with me (who knew all about my struggles) that “I think I can actually stay here if we are going to start talking like this”. Looking back at it even now I can see the same old pattern of dysfunction, but at the time everything seemed new. We finished the meeting and I went home and told Liza how optimistic I was feeling. She smiled at me knowingly…
Filed under: Bio, Institutional Church | Tags: Church, Church Politics, Dysfunctional Church, Faith, God, Life After Church, Post-Christian, Spirituality
My dissatisfaction with my role in the institutional church came to a head in April of 2007. After numerous years of battling within myself about whether or not I should continue working at that church I realized something had to change. I felt the church had no vision, no direction, no purpose. In my opinion we were not making the world a better place or living in such a way that people were experiencing how amazing life with Jesus was. For the past four years it was like living in a dysfunctional family. Everyone knew it was unhealthy, that things and relationships were not right, and regularly when this was pointed out, promises were made to change, new conversations began about direction and purpose, and I would convince myself that things were going to be different. Every few months a crisis or issue would arise and we would begin the cycle all over again. While in the short term, things did change, each time we always seemed to end up back at the same issues only worse. It was at the end of one of these patterns in April that I told my wife that I really wasn’t sure I could take it anymore.
I’m not laying this all out here to bash the church. Every church, like every family has issues like these. But I am putting it down to paper so as to remind myself (and anyone reading) how good God is.
My wife, Liza had been faithfully listening to me complain about things in leadership since I started working there in 1999. She had heard me declare I was quitting, and seen me struggle through tough situations many times. And each time, like this one, her answer was always the same. “Just do your best, do your job, and if God wants to take you out of there He will.” The next day I went to lunch with the new senior pastor and told him I was struggling with what I perceived as a lack of vision and direction for the church, and that I wasn’t sure I was a fit there anymore. I shared my heart and my frustrations and let him know that Liza and I were really seeking God’s direction in this. We agreed to continue the conversation and search after what God was doing.
Then I started meeting with the elders.
